Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
