Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
