he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize