Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
