Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize