I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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