look no pants
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
