im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
