I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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