I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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