so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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