I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
