I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
