i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
