We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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