Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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