girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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