Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I don't deserve a penis
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
