It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I need water and some morals
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
