my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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