Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
