Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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