Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my being single is dangerous.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
