fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Who wears a wallet chain?!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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