You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
