there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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