the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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