You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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