I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize