Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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