I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
