weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
