did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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