I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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