I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
