I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm both gender and math confused
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
