On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
