I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You pole danced in your parka.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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