can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
