Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize