you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
