you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
