Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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