I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
