I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
