I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
