Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
