call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
