He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
