Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When are your genitals available?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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