she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
