I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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