Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
