I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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