Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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