I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
