i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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