Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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