alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
